The BDSM Relationship Handbook, by Michael Makai

About the Author

Michael Makai is the author of Domination & Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook, The Warrior Princess Submissive, 62Q: Sixty-two Questions for Your Dominant, and The BDSM Coloring Book: An Activity Book for Kinksters with Crayons.

Michael has been a lifestyle Dominant for 37 years, a behind-the-scenes mentor and educator on BDSM and D/s for decades, and has been active in dozens of fetish lifestyle organizations in Europe and the U.S. Michael believes that the key to understanding the lifestyle and the people in it is to be able to recognize the very distinct differences between BDSM, which is something you do, and D/s, which is a relationship dynamic.

He is a full-time author, public speaker, and BDSM educator who travels extensively for book signings and to present workshops and demonstrations on the BDSM lifestyle and techniques.  Mike is also the founder of BDSM and other BDSM lifestyle related forums.

Michael is a combat veteran and a retired senior Army noncommissioned officer with over 20 years of active military service. He has worked as a marketing consultant, banker, freelance writer, magazine publisher, and internet broadband service provider. He is an incorrigible word-maker-upperer who enjoys skiing, traveling, playing Scrabble, researching geoglyphs, and raising koi. He currently resides near Wichita Falls, Texas.




[ If the following sounds like something I may have written in a snit, it’s probably only because it’s something I wrote in a snit.  I’m over it now, but I hate to waste a good snit. ]



Unapologetically Dominant

In case you haven’t figured this out yet, I am a Dominant. I have been a Dominant all of my life. No, it’s not a role I play, or a Saturday-night fetish. It is who I am. I’m hard-wired to be this way.

I know I’m not perfect. I do make mistakes. But I’m also quite capable of recognizing and fixing my mistakes without a lot of help from you. We usually won’t need to discuss it, or argue about it, or make pinky-finger promises to be nicer or better or smarter. Either the problem is fixable, in which case we fix it, or it’s not, in which case we focus on the things we can fix, or move on entirely.

Don’t tell me what to do. For that matter, don’t tell me what I should like, or think, or feel, either. I deal with the world in my own unique way, and it has worked pretty well for me over the years. There’s really nothing you or anyone else is going to be able to say or do that is going to change who or what I am. If that hurts your feelings, I’m sorry. You’re feelings really are important to me, but there are limits to how much your feelings get to rule my life.

  • Don’t attempt to manipulate me or be condescending.
  • Don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
  • Don’t try to lay a guilt trip on me.
  • Don’t try to get me to admit I’m wrong, or make me apologize.
  • Don’t try to make your drama my problem.
  • Don’t expect me to change who I am in order to accommodate who you are.

And yes, I do realize this probably makes me sound like a complete jerk. In my own defense, I should mention that most people consider me to be a pretty nice guy. Maybe I’m being a little too hard on myself, here. Meh.

A few other things I should probably mention:

I view BDSM similarly to how I view sex, and D/s in much the same way that I view love. I could possibly wrap my head around the notion of a relationship without BDSM and sex, but I can’t even imagine a relationship without D/s and love. Anyone can learn BDSM techniques, but it takes a special kind of person with a distinctive mindset to truly submit.

I’m self-sufficient. I enjoy the company of others, but I am just as happy to be left alone. I never get bored or lonely. I’m fascinated with life in general, and there are always a hundred other things I could be doing or learning right now. If you’re easily bored, get a hobby. It’s not my job to keep you entertained 24-7.

sparring1I am disciplined. Just because I don’t wear my emotions on my sleeve doesn’t mean I don’t have any. Never assume that I am clueless or happy, simply because I am calm. I am not a robot, nor do I expect you to be one, either. But I do expect you to have some emotional discipline.

I’m patient. Too patient, sometimes. When you’re a bad girl, I’ll be so patient, so calm, so understanding, you just may be tempted to think that it’s not such a big deal. You would be wrong.

I’m methodical. You may not understand my way of doing things, or my timetable for accomplishing them, but there really is a system at work. I am a creative and unorthodox problem-solver, a life-long  lateral-thinker, and I was taught project management by some of the best minds in the country.  I often entertain and evaluate conflicting notions and pursue diametrically opposed goals simultaneously.   That having been said, I am not obligated to explain my perceptions, methods, milestones or timelines to you.

I’m rational. I do have feelings, but I am not ruled by my emotions. I think your feelings are valid, but we still have to deal with the real world. Even though you may feel like the world is coming to an end, that doesn’t necessarily make it so.

I’m easily annoyed. Stop making that sound. Don’t poke me there. Why do you keep turning off the light in the hallway? You get the idea. The good news is, in five minutes, I will have forgotten just how annoyed I was. Maybe you should try to forget, too.  Tomorrow, I’ll be my usual happy-go-lucky self.  Will you?

I’m riddled with Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D.) If you’re curious, just ask me about it, or… squirrels. Skydiving! Did I mention my koi pond? I dreamed of zombies last night. Conversely, my kind of A.D.D. sometimes makes me hyperfocus on something so intensely, I forget to eat, sleep, or acknowledge your existence.  You shouldn’t interpret this as a slap in the face.  It’s just an occasional quirky thing that happens.  Please try to get over it.

I’m a published writer. I’ve published dozens of magazine articles and a couple of books, and I have a couple more books on the way.  Most of the stuff I’ve written you probably wouldn’t read, even if someone held a loaded canoli to your head, so don’t get too excited about it.

I have some unusual skills, some of which I have rarely, if ever, put to much practical use. I can shoot, ski, skydive, scuba, rappel, fly planes, write computer code, teach martial arts, and design stuff, just to name a few. I once crossed the Potomac by building a river raft out of milk cartons. Really.

I’m arrogant. I know this.

Believe it or not, you’re not the first to have noticed. (Ugh, see?  There I go again.) I’ve gotten better about it over the years, but that foundational cockiness will always be a part of me.  Perhaps we should just agree to call it one of the less attractive facets of my irresistable charm.  :)